Let the Music Lead the Way

It's Sunday afternoon. Halloween. I'm in my office, catching up on overdue variance reports and planning for the whirlwind next two weeks brought on by a flash of brilliance had by my boss in a meeting last week. Speaking of last week, it was a hot mess. And that's putting it mildly. But we all survived, had an awesomely fun Halloween dance last night for all the individuals we serve in our programs, and have a lot to get excited for and look forward to in November and December. Wow. Tomorrow is November. Hard to believe I've been working here almost an entire year.

Another very exciting thing in my life is that when I came in today, my computer all of a sudden had sound capabilities. I like to think it's just karma coming my way after baking brownies for the IT guys on a semi-regular basis. Regardless. I can listen to PANDORA while working now, which I am certain will help me focus a bit. An hour or so into my being here, an old familiar song came on. This song holds a very special place in my heart, because it helped me make a major life decision. Let me explain...

I started work on my master's degree at Indiana State in the fall of 2007. It only took my first professor in my first course to stand up and say that a career in recreation was pointless because there was no money in it to get me to start seriously rethinking my decision from the start. I figured I could at least give it the old college try (pun intended) and stick it out the semester. A few weeks in I met with an undergraduate professor who sang a very different tune and wanted to get me involved with his various courses, research, and even got me a job. When he asked if I intended to stay there, I told him I still wasn't sure, but was leaning towards leaving in December.

He encouraged me to apply for the Student Camp Leadership Academy that November. I attended and went back to Indiana set on leaving school and figuring out my life as I went along. In the meantime, my sister had introduced me to the music of a singing fellow named Jon McLaughlin. I downloaded his entire first album after only listening to one song. And in the midst of all my life's confusion at the time, I grabbed my iPod and went for a walk around campus. I'm not even kidding when I say that the first song that came on was one by this McLaughlin guy and it was called Indiana. I didn't think much of it at first, until it got to the very end. But I'll let you read the lyrics and see for yourself:

I'm glad i never lived next to the water
So I could never get used to the beach
And I'm glad I never grew up on a mountain
To figure out how high the world could reach
I love the miles between me and the city
Where I quietly imagine every street
And I'm glad I'm only picturing the moment
I'm glad she never fell in love with me

For some the world's a treasure to discover
And your scenery should never stay the same
And they're trading in their dreams for Explanations
All in an attempt to entertain

But I love the miles between me and the city
Where I quietly imagine every street
And I'm glad I'm only picturing the moment
I'm glad she never fell in love with me

The trick of love is to never let it find you
It's easy to get over missing out
I know the how's and whens, but now and then,
She's all I think about

I wonder how it feels to be famous
But wonder is as far as I will go
Because I'd probably lose myself in all the Pictures
And end up being someone I don't know.

So it's probably best I stay in Indiana
Just dreaming of the world as it should be
Where every day is a battle to convince myself
I'm glad she never fell in love with me

Needless to say, I stayed. I don't regret it for a second. I made some absolutely amazing friends, learned a lot about myself, about life, and about making it work. I met Micah the following semester, and he kinda saved my life this summer when I needed to hire a last minute nature program leader...now he's working full time here and is a major player in this whirlwind two weeks coming our way. David and Inga and I quickly became practically inseparable. I got to travel, present at conferences and teach an occasional class. Once I left, I missed Indiana more than I ever expected to or thought I could. Every time I drive past someone with an Indiana license plate now, I cross my fingers and hope they see the Indiana State sticker on my car...and know that they're not alone in the big city.

I'm obviously still a big believer in signs. If I wasn't before, how could I not be after that song just HAPPENED to pop up first in a random playlist when I was taking a walk to figure out my life? Yeah, it was a pretty short walk.

So when I heard that song come on Pandora just now, I was comforted by the reassurance in his voice. I started thinking about how the gods of music just seem to give you what you need when you need it. Which brings me to my next point. My lease on my current apartment is up at the end of December. The rent is going up in 2011, as is the water/gas/trash/sewage bill, AND they are adding a $3 per month fee to process my rent payment. REALLY? I have to pay to pay my rent?!? So I clearly need to move, but am having trouble finding a place. So I got to thinking that if I have to move, should I just move across town or should I make it worth it and really move somewhere else and do something different? I mean, I hadn't really planned to stay here very long anyway.

When I say work was a hot mess last week, I mean it. But I'm just going to leave it at that. What it means for me, though, is that my job is changing a bit. And I think the changes are going to keep it interesting enough (not that it was ever a boring job by ANY means) that I'll be happy here for a few more years. Especially since I can now make a case to live in a more rural part of the state and still be able to be close to work. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't still have a little bit of an itch for a change in scenery. Except immediately after Indiana came on Pandora, was this song by The Afters:

One Moment Away

Wake up and smile
Put on a tie
Walk to the car
And wave goodbye
Radio onY
ou're singing along
It's all gonna change but how could you know

You're one moment away
One chance left to take
And you're gone
Are they gonna remember you for running away
Or saving the day from the darkness
And letting your love shine through
What will you do
You're one moment away

Eyes are on you
The pressure is on
Where will you stand when the lines have been drawn
The clocks have all stopped, the story's been told
This is your life, so how will it show

No you can't pretend that forever
Will never come knocking at your door

Run through the flames
Never look back
What did you think that you came here for?

I truly don't know what this song is about. It kind of has some suicidal undertones. And it also kinda feels like a woman with a large presence is telling me to quit crying about life, make a decision, and live with it. The last line really got to me though. What DID I come here for? I came here to work, to learn, to make friends, and, forgive the cliche, to try and make a difference. I know I've achieved the first three, and the fourth really isn't for me to decide anyway. So I'm gonna hang around here, keep the music playing, and see where we go next...